Battling the Monster

Living in the moment is vital when suffering from depression, especially those days when your body is lead and you’re convinced that the world is NOT out to get you, but only because they can’t be bothered to give a shit. The days when you could waste away in a corner and no one would know.

It is said your mood influences your surroundings, and that your surroundings influences your mood. I stay in a vicious cycle. As my mood deteriorates, so does my house. When I’m in an awful dark time, the trash and dishes pile up. Cat hair accumulates. Dirt takes over. Because in those darker times, I’m paralyzed. I don’t care. I simply do not care. You don’t want to visit me when I’m in a dark time.

But there are other times, many times, when I have to kick the monster back underneath the bed, suck it up, and get to work.

I’m constantly kicking the monster back underneath the bed. It likes to crawl back out at night when I’m most vulnerable and load me up with every fear and insecurity that’s ever poured through my mind. It is relentless. Sometimes I wake with these fears. Sometimes sleep drives them away. But the monster is persistent. He’ll attach himself to my back and leave the room with me because he wants to see my world…

…probably looking for more souls to feed upon.

I do my best to show him good things. Like my nature walks. I make him stand still white I sit and patiently wait for owls, or the heron, or the beavers. I force him through a sunset. Many nights he’s sighed in despair as I photographed the moon, or stared at dew drops in the morning.

He can be evil, but I know how to aggravate him enough to where he backs down.

Sometimes he comes at me with claws out, and I have to listen to his words. Those words tell me I am worthless, no one cares, I shouldn’t be here. I don’t deserve to be here.

But, there are also times when it is easy to ignore this monster. He tried, and I laugh at him and slap him on the arm jokingly. Because I’M STILL HERE.

He doesn’t care for that.

He’s always going to be around. Battling him has become easier. And he knows it. He doesn’t like it.

The tides are turning.

Carleen

2 Comments

  1. Yep.
    I’m looking for Kathy’s replacement.

  2. Wow! You voiced me, to a t! The roller coaster that is my depression! It wasn’t my cancer diagnosis, but my late husbands! Yet, it is my depression that came from that diagnosis and later his death! I never had depression before , I thought, but looking back over my life, I recognize it! It only became more prevalent in my life with my husbands diagnosis. Most days I can beat it back. As I take care of my elderly mother now! Yet it is like you say, he likes to come in at night. The cause of most sleepless nights! Thank you for sharing, Carlene! I’m glad your able to beat it back most days too! 😍❤️

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